The Onion – News in Brief
Republicans Storm National Statuary Hall, Demand to Be Allowed Into Elijah Cummings’ Casket.
WASHINGTON—Staging the protest in response to what they called “a lack of transparency,” House Republicans stormed the National Statuary Hall Thursday, demanding to be allowed inside Elijah Cummings’ casket. “As voting members of Congress, we have an obligation to our constituents to get inside and find out what’s in there—it could be anything,” said Matt Gaetz (R-FL), who explained how a closed-casket viewing went against the very foundations of American democracy while House Minority Whip Steve Scalise (R-LA) and Steve King (R-IA) furiously pounded their fists against the coffin. “Right now, it’s an all-Democratic casket. Not even the press are allowed inside. We’ve been knocking all morning and have yet to receive a response, those cowards!” At press time, freaked-out House Republicans were calling for a counter investigation after discovering a body inside the casket.
Author: John Hanno
Born and raised in Chicago, Illinois. Bogan High School. Worked in Alaska after the earthquake. Joined U.S. Army at 17. Sergeant, B Battery, 3rd Battalion, 84th Artillery, 7th Army. Member of 12 different unions, including 4 different locals of the I.B.E.W. Worked for fortune 50, 100 and 200 companies as an industrial electrician, electrical/electronic technician. View all posts by John Hanno