Roy Moore’s Absurdity Knows No Bounds


Roy Moore’s Absurdity Knows No Bounds

We could use Mark Twain right now.


By Charles P. Pierce     November 30, 2017

“I desired that the Senate of Rome might appear before me in one large chamber, and a modern representative, in counterview, in another. The first seemed to be an assembly of heroes and demi-gods; the other, a knot of pedlars, pick-pockets, highwaymen, and bullies.”

—Jonathan Swift, Gulliver’s Travels

November 30 happens to be the birthday shared, 150-odd years apart, by Jonathan Swift and Mark Twain. If some wealthy and interested soul wants to start a campaign to have November 30 declared an International Day of Righteous Scorn in their honor, I’m willing to chip in a pittance.

(I feel obligated to note that it is also the birthday of Winston Churchill, a prominent politician of the nation most recently pissed off by the president*, who’s suddenly got people wondering if he doesn’t more closely resemble Winston’s father, Randolph, particularly in the latter stages of that worthy’s life. But anyway.)

To celebrate the two masters, let’s take a look at what’s happening in the news on the birthday they share. Oh, look, there’s Marco Rubio. It’s been a long time since we’ve been able to uncrate the famous animated recreation of Rubio’s entire public career but, boy howdy, was he not supposed to say this out loud. From Financial Advisor Magazine:

“I analyze this very differently than most,” Rubio told the crowd. “Many argue that you can’t cut taxes because it will drive up the deficit. But we have to do two things. We have to generate economic growth which generates revenue, while reducing spending. That will mean instituting structural changes to Social Security and Medicare for the future,” the senator said.

Jesus, Marco, get with the program. You’re supposed to sell this Abomination of Desolation as a boon to “the middle class.” Then, when it blows up the deficit, you’re supposed to come sadly before the nation, blame the Democrats for not “compromising,” and mournfully tell millions of the elderly and disabled that it’s time for those lazy moochers to kick in. But Rubio wasn’t finished giving away games.


Somebody asked him about what might happen if, as appears probable, ol’ Judge Roy Moore gets his’sef elected down in Alabam’. He served up some very tasty waffles in reply, as The Washington Examiner reports:

“This information is before the voters of Alabama,” Rubio told Fox News’ Laura Ingraham. “And if they elect him and then you as a Senate have ethics hearings to remove him from office or something like that, that gets more complicated. That’s a little bit more difficult because voters will have this information before them when they vote for him if, in fact, he is elected.”

No, no, no. You wait until he’s seated before you explain to the nation how you can’t disrespect the votes of the goobers who sent an alleged pedophile to the Senate. You’re not supposed to be this direct in informing the nation that the Republican majority would seat Vlad The Impaler if he were good on tax cuts and shredding the social safety net. Yeah, it’s time to sum up Marco Rubio’s career again in that old, familiar way.

Which reminds me, ol’ Judge Roy seems to be having a high old time. His goons are slugging cameramen—from Fox, no less—and he’s got the rubes higher than kites on that old-time culture war religion. From The Hill:

“When I say they, who are ‘they?'” he asked. “They’re liberals. They don’t hold conservative values. They are the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender who want to change our culture. They are socialists who want to change our way of life and put man above God and the government is our God. They’re the Washington establishment…who don’t want to lose their power.”

Yeee-fcking-haw! That’s the real stuff right there. And it’s not like ol’ Judge Roy hasn’t been dealing it out for years. As ThinkProgress reports, via the invaluable, ol’ Jedge Roy once taught a course about how important it is to keep the wimmen-folk out of politics.

The study includes a lecture from William O. Einwechter, a teacher elder at Immanuel Free Reformed Church. The lesson, titled “What the Bible Says About Female Magistrates,” contends the Bible forbids women from holding elected office. “She’s not a warrior. She’s not a judge. She’s a woman. Created by God. Glorious in her place and in her conduct and in her role,” Einwechter said. “Nothing is said in scripture that supports the notion that she is qualified or called to be a civil magistrate.”

That’s going to come as something of a bummer to Alabama Governor Kay Ivey, who is a wimmen-folk her own self.

(By the way, one of Ivey’s real triumphs in office was signing a bill restoring voting rights to prisoners who had served their time. Thousands of the people who have benefitted from this true reform have registered to vote in the senatorial election, largely through the efforts of people who have reached out to them. This, naturally, has set the cast of Three Dolts on a Divan into what my mother used to call “high-sterics.” This of course, is because they are useless tools. Good on you, Kay Ivey.)

And, finally, getting back to Washington, there’s promising new Batman villain Steve Mnuchin, who has assured us that he has an analysis showing that the Abomination of Desolation will bring upon us a golden age of jobs. As The New York Times reports, however, there’s one problem with this analysis. It may not exist. Or, as the Times delicately puts it, the analysis “proves elusive.” As does Sasquatch.


Mr. Mnuchin has promised that Treasury will release its analysis in full. Yet, just one day before the full Senate prepares to vote on a sweeping tax rewrite, the administration has yet to produce the type of economic analysis that it is citing as a reason to pass the tax cut. Those inside Treasury’s Office of Tax Policy, which Mr. Mnuchin has credited with running the models, say they have been largely shut out of the process and are not working on the type of detailed analysis that he has mentioned. An economist at the Office of Tax Analysis, who spoke on the condition of anonymity so as not to jeopardize his job, said Treasury had not released a “dynamic” analysis showing that the tax plan would be paid for with economic growth because one did not exist.

Thus, then, do we celebrate the birthdays of the Dean and the Old Fella. May their spirits walk among us, and may they do so soon, because we’ve all climbed aboard Huck’s raft only to find ourselves beached in the land of the Yahoos.

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Author: John Hanno

Born and raised in Chicago, Illinois. Bogan High School. Worked in Alaska after the earthquake. Joined U.S. Army at 17. Sergeant, B Battery, 3rd Battalion, 84th Artillery, 7th Army. Member of 12 different unions, including 4 different locals of the I.B.E.W. Worked for fortune 50, 100 and 200 companies as an industrial electrician, electrical/electronic technician.

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